>be me >Kim Jong Un >Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea >wake up in Pyongyang >sunlight gently filtering through curtains of enormous government residence >personal chef asks whether I want Korean, Japanese, French, Italian, or "that Swiss breakfast you like" >decisions_decisions.jpg >eventually settle on imported cheese and steak >turn on state television >beautiful patriotic music >everyone on TV says I'm doing an excellent job >nice >check newspaper >front page says country is prosperous >second page says country is prosperous >third page contains photograph of me pointing at a tractor >apparently tractor factory exceeded expectations >excellent news >head outside >streets suspiciously clean >everyone I encounter starts smiling and applauding >random citizens visibly overcome with joy just from seeing me >western media says North Koreans are miserable >??? >literally haven't met a dissatisfied citizen in my entire life >ask aide about this >"Supreme Leader, the people adore you." >knew it >drive through Pyongyang in armored Mercedes >traffic nonexistent >never have to stop at red lights >restaurants always have tables available >never seen homelessness >never seen unemployment >never seen a protest >never even seen graffiti >western cities apparently have all of these things >and they call US the dysfunctional country >lmao >arrive at missile facility >scientists have been awake for 43 consecutive hours preparing demonstration >they look slightly nervous >probably excited >rocket launches successfully >everyone cheers >scientist in front row crying >patriotism is beautiful >return home >check internet >internet works perfectly >all 28 websites load instantly >no ads >no spam >no political arguments >no Reddit >westerners voluntarily pay for gigabit fiber just to spend six hours arguing with strangers named xXFreedomPatriot1488Xx >who exactly lives in the dystopia here >foreign diplomat visits >mentions food insecurity >confused >open refrigerator >completely full >open second refrigerator >also full >open climate-controlled cheese room >extremely full >"What food insecurity?" >diplomat stares at floor >probably embarrassed by how stupid his question was >later watch BBC documentary >British narrator says DPRK citizens lack basic freedoms >look around room >can go anywhere I want >can say anything I want >can own anything I want >can even launch ballistic missile over the Sea of Japan if I'm feeling whimsical >sounds pretty free to me >apparently Americans aren't even allowed to do that >land of the free my ass >documentary continues >says citizens are afraid of government surveillance >turn to twelve security officers standing behind couch >"You guys spying on me?" >"ABSOLUTELY NOT, SUPREME LEADER" >there you have it >propaganda debunked in real time >next morning receive intelligence briefing >foreign analysts once again describe North Korea as "one of the most repressive societies on Earth" >honestly starting to think these people have never actually been here >I've lived in North Korea my entire life >never been hungry >never been arrested >never been sent to a labor camp >never had electricity shut off >never had trouble finding housing >healthcare staff immediately available whenever I need them >everyone I meet compliments my haircut >statistically speaking this place seems fantastic >begin suspecting international community is simply jealous >tell propaganda department to release statement: >"SUPREME LEADER REPORTS PERSONAL SATISFACTION RATE OF 100%" >another stunning victory for Juche