Replies (1)

• @internet_ryan@lgbtqia.space 2026-09-14 19:51

  @Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io I love that you've framed a good chunk of this around reaction formation, especially as it applies to grappling with other types of queerness. Being poly — I use "relationship-queer" sometimes to emphasize the identity aspect — was the hardest for me to grapple with. Coming out as poly for the first time in my to-that-point-mono relationship remains the most difficult coming out I've done to date. A huge part of that difficulty stemmed from having one of those "dark pasts" you reference in the article. Dealing with bipolar and substance abuse on top of what I now recognize as gender dysphoria messed up the relationship *badly*. It ultimately established and emphasized some unhealthy dynamics that we had to work hard to push back on. That's work that's still being done to some degree even now. Adding a layer to this, there are tons of poly spaces that focus on adapting or enforcing a lot of the unhealthy social scrips queer folks spend so much time tossing aside (e.g. the relationship escalator and amatonormativity more generally). Those attitudes had me uneasy about adopting "poly" as a label, in much the same way transfem stereotypes portrayed in media and online had me uneasy about calling myself "trans" for so long. In both cases, I had to realize I wasn't bound by those stereotypes. In the end, coming out as poly has been at least as important as coming out as non-binary for me. I've built some life-changing connections, both directly and indirectly. I've learned and unlearned a lot about what relationships can look like. And I expect the learning and relationship-building to continue as long as I do. 😅 I wish more people could see polyamory for its possibilities rather than its stereotypes; thank you for writing about it in a way that does that. 💜

  Open ##4699325