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  You ever drink enough coffee that you find out you can do kitchen karate? That is the dragon I chase daily.

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  Sometimes I almost feel like my period is worth the 5 pound poop.

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  Stop with these “If I lived in the 80s” ai picture posts. Your grandmother rocked that windbreaker harder than you ever could, you ungrateful hag. She rocked it without needing to seek validation online. And she didn’t order that shit from Amazon, either. She bought it at Sears like the badass bitch she is.

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  “MiLleNniAlS aRe JaDeD”… no shit Sherlock. Technologically speaking we’ve went from riding our bikes to the store to buy a coke and some cigs for our mom with zero concept of a cell phone to 3-D printing a bottle with an app. We’ve watched catastrophic events take place in front of us on TV while eating a bowl of cereal, and didn’t even blink. We have been playing this game a long time. So yeah, we are fucking jaded, and tired, and probably slept weird last night. Give us a break.

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  So what is the big deal if ai takes over. What’s the fear here? If you are a useful, productive member of society, nothing will trigger the algorithm to remove you. Are you afraid of being replaced because you have nothing to offer the system? Who’s to say that our time hasn’t come. We are holding on to this belief that we are the alpha species, and it only seems frightening because it turns out we may not be. Whatever [*gestures vaguely*] this is, doesn’t seem to be working that well, anyway.

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  Was not prepared to become this big of a Lizzie Borden fan today.

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  Truly never thought us saying “I love myself” would be controversial, and end with the accusation that we are “narcissistic” or “self-absorbed”. Mr. Rogers did not prepare us for this turn of events. He told us to love ourselves and be proud, and now doing that is rage bait. Wow.

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  Only once have I been thrown in FB jail, and it was for the dumbest reason. Ever since I’ve been set free I’ve been trying to give them a valid, brag worthy reason to throw me back in, but it almost seems impossible. I figured I’d be on some sort of watch list, or have a probationary period. But no dice. I’ve said every derogatory thing I could about MAGA, drug use, sexual escapades, and anything that’s possibly offensive. But I just can’t get punished.

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  FYI, when it comes to social and political matters, blood doesn’t buy you a bigotry pass. Even if they are family members, you don’t have to attend events with them just based on genetics. If your family are exhibiting behaviors usually associated with nazis, then guess what? Your family members are fucking nazis. Treat them as such.

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  You’ll never be able to convince me that bees are not gods. Imagine you artificially impregnate (I know it’s pollinate, but whatever) the most beautiful creatures (flowers) and then collect the delicious part of them, and turn that into the sweetest medicine ever. That’s some fucking unworldly ability that is beyond our planet. We don’t even deserve to have access to honey. We haven’t earned the right.

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  I’m gonna say something quite controversial for those who watched and enjoyed ‘90s and early ‘00s television… when it comes to the standards we now hold entertainment to, Friends sucks. Sex and the City sucks. But the one that stands out, even with its brutal takes, is Seinfeld. It could come out today as is, and receive the least amount of backlash than any sitcom between 1990 and 2000. Maybe because it never takes itself seriously. Even when characters die, they do so in a light hearted way.

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  Sadly my second thought was, “I wonder what Andy is gonna brag about now that this is no longer a flex?”

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  With every passing day I become a little less “Carrie Bradshaw” and a little more “Squidward Tentacles”.

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  Men: “Women are the weaker sex” Woman: *pushes 8lb baby out of her vagina* “ok… time to go back to work, I guess” Man: *gets barely tapped on the balls* “HELP ME GOD I’M DYING SOMEONE PLEASE!!!”

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  Millennials don’t ask WWJD, we ask WWJJD (what would Judge Judy do). Guaranteed 100% success rate.

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  I’m gonna play the Devil’s advocate here and remind everyone that 30 years ago we villainized Monica Lewinsky for *her* actions. We made her out to be guilty and in total control of the situation. She wasn’t. She was a victim of a system that has been villainizing women since the dawn of time. So I guarantee in 30 when we look back at Natalie, the view is gonna be quite different than it is today.

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  Turns out binge re-watching Six Feet Under a week before my period wasn’t the way to go. 😿

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  Oh, I’m sorry. Did you trip over my boundary and sprain your ankle? Go fuck yourself.

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  I don’t need friends, I have U*! *undiscovered mental disorders that will *hopefully* be named after me

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  Had a follow up on my lab results and my hormones are in the ideal range. “Everything is perfect and normal” (he doesn’t *know* me, clearly). Great. I guess this is just who I am, and now can’t make any medically backed excuses.

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  Can’t wait to see what animal becomes an internet sensation next. First we had Lida Bida Boda Butt, now Jimothy. What’s next? A cat? An octopus? Only time will tell.

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  Mean Girls is just The Craft rebranded with less candles and better writers. #isaidwhatisaid #factnotopinion

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  My dog got too comfortable and disrespected cat’s personal space just once, and you know how long it took him to permanently learn about boundaries? About 3 seconds. No need for a reminder, no attempt to ever do it again. It’s that fucking simple.

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  Remember when we thought The Matrix was science *fiction*? Fun times.

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  I’m the coolest person I know, but what I don’t know is if I should take that as a compliment, or a criticism.

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  Did we ever decide if a centaur’s dick is on the front or the back of the horse half? If anyone figures it out, lmk.

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  When I was in 5th grade we had this teacher who would always “lose” her glasses, and they’d be on top of her head. I thought she was just doing it to be funny and make the kids laugh. HA. It took me years, but I finally realized, nope, that’s just life after 40. I “lost” my phone this morning and didn’t see it was sitting on the pillow next to me until after I spent 10 minutes looking for it, gave up, and then sat back down on the couch.

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  Elon is the world’s richest person and yet he chooses to continue looking like *that*.

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  Ask any of your friends which bothers them more… That you’re more attractive than them, funnier than them, or smarter than them, and see which one they furrow their brows at. Then just know, that’s the one.

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  Fuck your complicated self-care routing. For years my grandmother had gossip, cigarettes, and coffee for breakfast. Then had fried chicken with a side of Wheel Of Fortune for dinner. And she lived to be 93. Keep it simple, y’all.