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  Doctors said I’d be lucky to survive into adulthood and boy were they wrong

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  My forehead tattoo (“Yes, a table for one, next to a mirror”) saves me valuable seconds when I’m hangry

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  I suffer from accurate self-esteem

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  Uber don’t have a policy on nudity! They will by Monday

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  Despite the rising costs of living, more and more of us are doing it

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  Sometimes, I go to bed worrying I won’t be able to think of anything stupid to post in the morning, but then I wake up and realise it’s all going to be ok

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  Having no friends is very affordable

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  Have you guys tried knitting? It tastes horrible

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  Does anyone know the Greek for “cake”? I want to describe my sexuality scientifically

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  Thank you all for your health suggestions (die), relationships advice (go fuck yourself), and open minded attitude to a balanced diet (eat a bag of dicks)

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  Never. Confide. In. Your. Wife’s. Parrot

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  Not only is failure an option, it’s easier than success

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  We consciously perceive only 0.045% of the sensory information reaching our brains every second, filtering out useless stimuli, yet you just read this?

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  She won’t wear her sexy new lingerie and I spent days knitting it

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  My favourite book is the Bible because the same thing happened to me

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  I love science, like most Aries

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  Got up late and now have to wait six months to reset my sundial

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  As a man, it’s my job to mistake kindness for flirting

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  I sometimes worry I’m a bad parent, but then I remember that paranoia is just a side-effect of drug abuse

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  I stand-up whenever I see or hear Trump, so my booing is 13% louder

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  The "F” in "OMFG" is for "Fictional"

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  Deeply troubled by the lack of Americans in the Bible! Sorry to bring this up again, but it's undermining my faith

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  [*montage of my empty desk*]

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  What would help is for some big accounts with clout, who can overcome the shame of their inferior writing, to repost me

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  God: [*trying to close one door and open another but He’s got the whole world in His hands*]

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  The Beatles: “All you need is love” Maslow: “No”

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  My doctor says exercise would be a good idea and suggested running with scissors

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  If there’s a hard way to do something, I’ll find it

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  [halfway through composing my second post of the day] “This must be what Shakespeare felt like”

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  Is a talking donkey better than a flying horse? I’m trying to choose a religion