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  When security walks through the lab, I instinctively put down my phone and put my hands on my keyboard as if they were the goddamn school principal looking to bust me for slacking off. I apparently had a very protestant upbringing.

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  A bit of advice: Don't be the reason why people within micshot have to turn off their phones because they don't want to be vanned by whatever agency is listening. You don't want to be that guy. We will find you.

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  Loving you Is easy 'cause you're beautiful But can you imagine the struggle If you were ugly? Christ!

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  The year is 2026. Everyone at the coffee shop has an external second screen connected to their laptop. You feel simultaneously inadequate and liberated. And annoyed that they've pulled tables together to spread out for space.

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  If *I* was a starship captain, I'd, like, have *other* members of my crew do the away missions. No sense risking the mission because I wanted a walkabout. They should be trained enough.

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  I see people in my urban neighborhood walking for exercise with lead-weighted vests, and my only thought is, "Bruhs and sistas, WHY? What are you trying to do?" Just walk with a backpack full of books to the cafe on the other end of the hood, and you can survive the apocalypse like the rest of us. No need to give Cabella's more of your waning money.

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  Nuts in white seitan.

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  Weird. I don't remember any guitarists' names anymore. Does anybody?

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  My small apartment complex is owned by a private individual. Got a Dear John letter from the manager saying it's under sale, and the potential buyer, a "group", is touring the property today to take pictures of everyone's apartments for "due diligence". This is fine. I just have to clean up, hide my things, angle my security cameras so I catch more of the inside, etcetera. Hope my rent won't go up (it will).

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  Whenever I drop a morsel of food on the floor, desk, or any other 5-second-rule zone, I always, WITHOUT FAIL, say, "Aw maaan, that was the BEST PIECE." Always. And there's never anyone around but me to laugh. But I commit to the bit because I have standards.

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  If you cut down a Flock camera, for the love of God, don't leave it there on the ground. Take it offsite, dump it in a ravine or river or dumpster or something. Make it unretrievable.

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  My chair has a lever that drops me down closer to my noodles. My ancestors never dreamed of this kind of luxury.

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  I have eaten so much food today! * * every day

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  I pooped and it formed a pentagram, send for the priest.

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  Today I Learned: In the state of Texas, if you pay for medications and take them out of the pharmacy, and later learn you don't need them, you cannot return them to the pharmacy for a refund, even if they are unopened. Now you know too. Anybody looking for a pharmaceutical-strength laxative? I know a guy. #TodayILearned

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  He died how he lived: crushed under a heavy weight.

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  Hot singles are in your wallet! CLICK HERE to give them to me!

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  Some soup soaked into my moustache and then dripped onto the front of my shirt. When I saw it, I almost choked on my soup. Clearly, having soup is the best idea of my day.

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  I wonder if there was an explosion at the Jimmy Dean link pork sausage plant, because #HEB has been out of it for the past 2 weeks. Not even an empty spot in the display case where it would've been (otherwise that'd indicate online orders buy it all up before I get there). But then again HEB does that when they can't order products to carry at the price they want. This is the future, and the future is now, I guess. #AustinTX

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  Leguke, I am your farter!

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  Gunter Gleeben Glouten Globen

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  Oh fun. My bank just notified me that they raised my credit limit on my bank card. Which is fortuitous, because that's the amount I need to spend to build my own fileserver now. Serendipity! 🌈

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  Yo gurl are you the Notre Dame? Because yo buttresses are FLYIN.

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  eating baked beans and a ham sandwich for dinner on a monday night, because nothing means anything anymore and you're not my real dad.

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  Why no Gandalf the Black?

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  I dunno, guys, but I have my doubts about King Charles knowing the average airspeed velocity of any unladened swallow, no matter the regional species.

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  Yakiudon Wakiudon & Dotiudon

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  May 3rd, 2026: I update the copyright date on my blog to 2026. I Am On Top of Things.

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  HE IS RIZZIN'!

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  Only 24 minutes left in #BandcampFriday because California Pacific Time is the only timezone that matters now.