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John "John Davies" Davies ☑️

johnnyd_cm@mastodonapp.uk

<p>I have a sense of humour. It took years to hone drivel of this calibre.</p><p>If you like my jokes, I WILL follow you back. And you will like it. </p><p>Guitarist in my new band, Ground Zero.<br />Instagram: @GroundZeroBlackpool</p><p>Look at my website and YouTube channel. Or else.</p><p>Aspiring novelist. &#39;Cube&#39; and &#39;Punacceptable&#39; are out now!<br />Instagram @john.davies.author</p><p><a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/cats" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>cats</span></a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/guitar" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>guitar</span></a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/humour" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>humour</span></a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/jokes" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<spa

Posts

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    When I read between the lines, I find there&#39;s just blank space.

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    A wise man once said: &quot;What the ******* is going on?!?&quot;

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    Me : &quot;Excuse me, is this seat taken?&quot; Liam Neeson: &quot;Yes, it&#39;s has a very particular set of skills&quot;

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    A scientist likes to take matter into his own hands.

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    I asked my mate &quot;What does &#39;I haven&#39;t a scooby&#39; mean?&quot; He said &quot;No idea&quot; I said &quot;OK then, I&#39;ll ask someone who does!&quot;

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    Caught a virus last week. It was late, the seats were cramped but the fare was reasonable.

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    Out in the next day or two. I&#39;m so sorry. Run. Hide. Find shelter. Won&#39;t do you any good. And I don&#39;t care.

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    My wife says I&#39;ve got a great imagination and I&#39;m not even married!

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    I feel I&#39;ve seen the term &quot;Deja vu&quot; before.

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    I opened a jar of instant coffee, but it was still just granules.

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    I learned how to saw a woman in half! But all I get is &quot;Murderer this&quot;, &quot;Psychopath that&quot;, &quot;Monster the other&quot;...

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    These new pneumatic drills are pretty groundbreaking.

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    If you get drunk on shorts, is that being inabbreviated?

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    A spider wrecking its web after catching a fly is like me trashing my house after I&amp;#39;ve made a Pot Noodle.

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    My mate was sceptical that I&amp;#39;d caught measles, but now he&amp;#39;s beginning to join the dots.

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    I Googled my illness symptoms and it said sprinkle with grated cheese and grill for ten minutes.

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    Knock knock. Who&amp;#39;s there? Doorbell repair service.

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    Teacher: &amp;quot;What&amp;#39;s your favourite letter?&amp;quot; Pupil: &amp;quot;Its G, sir&amp;quot; Teacher: &amp;quot;Why&amp;#39;s that, Angus?&amp;quot;

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    It ain&amp;#39;t what you do it&amp;#39;s the way that you do it, It ain&amp;#39;t what you do it&amp;#39;s the way that you do it, It ain&amp;#39;t what you do it&amp;#39;s the way that you do it, And that&amp;#39;s what gets you fired.

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    My doctor says I&amp;#39;ve developed altheletes foot, but it&amp;#39;s not made me run any faster.

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    I always taunt my dog by never telling him who the good boy is.

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    Have you thought about turning off and not turning it back on again? That would solve a whole heap of problems.

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    A weasel packed with rice and treacle makes an effective incendiary device.

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    I mistook engine oil for vegetable oil and now my bacon does 0 - 60 in 3 seconds.

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    If you put two Polar bears together, would they repel each other?

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    Identifying confectionery is easy. Piece of cake!

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    My wife owns a battery kiosk at a children&#39;s playground. She sells C cells by the seesaw.

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    How come a fly can get into your house through a hole the size of an atom, but can&amp;#39;t find its way out through an open window the size of a small country?!?

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    Alan gets up at 5am. He leaves his house at 6am and walks 10 minutes to catch a bus. The bus takes 15 minutes to the train station. He catches a train at 6:35. The train arrives at 8:22 and he takes a 35 minute taxi ride to his workplace. At what point does he realise he has 35 more bloody years of this?

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    Can we please turn the world off and on again?