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  seriously as long as you don't need to buy food or drink water or use the internet or have a house or live in peace then things really aren't that bad

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  good things to say after sex: 1. thank you 2. i enjoyed the sex 3. do you think the dyatlov pass incident was a yeti 4. what was it then 5. what was it

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  thinking about the time I worked for a sex toy company and a dumb man emailed us (and CCed a fake law firm) saying he was suing us because his wife left him after she bought one of our toys and my boss replied asking for permission to quote him in our advertising

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  you know you're getting old when you're watching a gangbang video and you're thinking like hey where did all these people park

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  "can we just hop on a quick call" can you just hop off a quick bridge

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  sorry i yelled PREPARE FOR RAMMING SPEED while we were having sex

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  oh noooo... my old company LELO has released a red-light therapy vibrator, the implication being that it might help "tighten" the vagina. They don't say that explicitly, but that's what they're hinting at. All of the "science" behind this is nonsense that exploits imaginary insecurities.

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  @Kierkegaanks omg you're right, very conceptual and deeply thematic. Might have to turn it into a short story

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  @acesfunhouse@kinkycats.org sorry about that

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  brands need to stop telling me to "be part of the movement" i don't care about your mission statement your mission is to sell trousers my mission is to wear trousers let's not make a rube goldberg machine about it ok

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  stumbled across a band called Retained Surgical Instrument and they're terrible but credit where it's die for that name

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  call me scrub daddy the way im accumulating bacteria

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  some days i want to be an ambitious and successful business owner and some days i want to be speeding down an icy siberian highway in a lada 2105 with a rusty revolver in the glovebox

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  spread YOUR sheet in a minute

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  oh so you're a web designer huh ok design me a web

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  the problem with people who say "if you want me at my best you have to accept me at my worst" is that their worst tends to be way worse than you should accept and their best is still pretty bad

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  finance hack: save money on beef jerky by buying beef and jerking it off yourself

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  hey guys its your girl pandora, oh my gosh im like so excited to do this unboxing with you today

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  *a thousand spiders in a trenchcoat walks in* im here about the we development job youre advertising

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  if anything there are TOO MANY hours in a day

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  "actually I resigned last year but the boss never reads his emails" is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in an office, like an actual punchline

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  are they gonna change the name of Apple now that Tim Apple is leaving

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  my five-year business strategy is to find an old pirate's chest full of gold doubloons

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  celt fruit, might delete later

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  pharmacy girl asked me how my day was going while she put the antibiotics on the counter. "Not so good ive got chlamydia again" i told her

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  well well well if it isn't the emotions i've been suppressing

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  guh why they have to make weights so heavy

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  it's because

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  actually here in england we call him jesus crisps

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  ok hear me out. jurassic park prequel about john hammond's flea circus.