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  Not sure if a bidet is right for you? Try a Super Soaker as a low commitment alternative.

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  how slutty of an establishment is adult chuck e. cheese? it's my first time. idk what to wear.

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  I don't care how "fun fruity and fabulous" the new panera drinks are. bring back the death lemonade, original recipe.

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  the bricks be boofin' in this house

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  I wonder how asthmatics feel about supposedly uplifting ✨just breathe✨ word art

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  roommate: we should make deviled eggs for easter. me: we should make deviled eggs because deviled eggs.

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  if you don't understand what i'm saying when i say "im not bougie enough to brave tj's at 5pm on a tuesday," you are in the bourgeoisie.

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  what in cthulhu's name are my neighbors doing that involves regularly clanging metal at midnight (it usually sounds like they're assembling kit furniture, but this time sounded like tidying up?).

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  forgot my phone at home today so i couldn't piss in the stall. ahhhh sweet release, finally.

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  my second toe blissous is coming back. only on the right foot though. left heel will likely soon experience similar.

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  having a day where i feel like I've done some indiscretion but i think I was just a bit peckish and struggling to oxygenate dt asthma

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  shampooing the carpet is spiritually equivalent to mowing the lawn, so I get a 6-pack now.

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  watching Space Jam 1996 and wishing someone would hurry and take me to moron mountain