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  My archaeologist friend got drunk and confessed that 80% of the artifacts they find are sex toys the world isn't ready to know about

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  If all mammals can get rabies, dolphins have a chance to be absolute nightmare fuel.

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  When interviewing for a job, ask about their "yogurt policy" and chuckle derisively at whatever answer they give you. Now you have the upper hand and they don't even have a coherent yogurt policy.

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  were you a "pleasure to have in class" or a "this will go on your permanent record"

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  "Al is here to stay" well ok, but me complaining about Al is also here to stay

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  have we tried making the diodes emit anything else like happiness perhaps

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  Illustration by Robert Adragna

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  Yesterday was bisexual visibility day. Now that it is over, we are once again free to move in the periphery of time and space, unseen by mortal eyes who know not of our plans

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  This thrift store is practically begging for the D

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  Americans: don't build doom machines Republicans: we must quickly build doom machines Democrats: the doom machines should be union-made

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  Lava lamps are the pinnacle of lamp technology. How can you improve on lava? Get outta here.

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  final fantasy: you now have an emotional attachment to this tiny wizard me: ok final fantasy: do u promise to love him me: yes of course final fantasy: THE WIZARD IS NOW IN MORTAL PERIL me: 😭

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  Daniel Craig does a terrible southern accent in Knives Out. Over the next severe decades, the character of Benoit Blanc becomes so beloved that Southerners begin to alter their speech patterns without realizing it. Daniel Craig goes down in history as having a flawless Southern accent.

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  "You like that band? Can you even name five of their songs?" My wife: Actually they already named their songs, if you were a real fan you would have known this.

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  🎶Gonna to take my horse to the Old Town road, gonna ride till it stops being a horse wait. What is it now Whhhy is this happening again🎶

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  To the Dick's employee calling me an "athlete." neither of us needs to pretend, okay. Let us live life without illusions

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  Big tech news: Flock cameras now capable of identifying anyone from just their middle finger

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  Even libs are wishy-washy on immigration, but it doesn't have to be that complex: If you're here, you're family. Everyone gets unlimited bread sticks. You should only have to wait 30 minutes to an hour to get in.

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  Both would [redacted] a Flock camera

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  Dolly Parton didn't hold grudges. When she got to heaven, the first thing she did was make sure Jolene was doing okay.

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  President Nixon's full name was Richard Hatsune Miku Nixon

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  Art by Angus McBride

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  #DubiousNerdFacts

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  People are always asking how they will get CPAP supplies in the post apocalypse. Let me tell you about raids, my friend

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  catholic magician: For my next sin, Father, I will need a volunteer from the confessional

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  If I were a babyface wrestler, my name would be Time because I would wound all heels, this is an excellent wordplay joke, the wrestling community will love it

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  #DubiousNerdFacts

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  Someone at the election site was telling people about an upcoming recall election. My wife: what did this guy do? Recall worker: he covered the golf course with solar panels 😡 My wife: holy shit this guy sounds awesome, can we get him to do that to all the other ones?