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  Found a large-ish insect half on the cutting board after the wife made stew. Opted not to tell her as she'd hate having to throw the lot out and be off her mood all night.

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  As a 17 y/o in the 1980s I had a Saturday job in the local library. Fancied a girl but was far too shy to ever do anything about it. Instead I used to waive her fines. I also secretly tripled the amount of books she could borrow, and increased her membership expiry date to 2999.

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  I had a fess published a few years ago about how I couldn't connect with my lifelong pals cos all they wanted to do was booze and take coke. I told them how I felt, turned out they thought the same and now we climb Munro's on Sundays. Lads, talk to your pals.

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  I met my wife while sabotaging fox hunts together. We started dating when we found out we're both furries. If the fursuits weren't so expensive, we'd be sabotaging fox hunts dressed as foxes.

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  Tell people I need glasses. Truth is I have a fake pair that I wear to look intelligent when doing particularly difficult tasks at work. Works a charm, haven't been interrupted in 4 years by awful co-workers.

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  Bought a Casio F-91W watch from Amazon as I hate big flashy watches. To make up the postage I also bought some wire and connectors for an electronics project. It was only after I made the order I learned that the F-91W is the most popular bomb timer for terrorists. Hello MI5!

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  Aged 55, I decided it was time for a male midlife crisis. I don't drive, love my wife and don't play golf, so instead I got some bunny rabbits. The neighbours now call me 'Bunny Boy'. I don't give a toss. These innocent little creatures bring me huge joy every day.

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  IT admin. We have a device that can very accurately locate and identify WiFi/Bluetooth devices. We have detected not one, but TWO Bluetooth enabled sex toys in the office this month. Who is bringing these things to work??

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  Was bored with work, wanted to do something rewarding, I volunteer a few hours once a month for a charity. It's amazing. A boring Fess, but it is rewarding. Just do something good for someone, it will make you and more importantly someone else feel better. Do it, please.

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  I've created a motivational doomsday device. After dealing with awful customers, I send them an email calling them all sorts of profanities, but I add a 5 year delay. It's to ensure I quit this crap job & pursue my dream move to Perth. Got 3 years left from the 1st email I sent

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  Mortuary technician here. Often take a nap at work by lying on a gurney and covering myself with a sheet. Haven't been accidentally autopsied yet, but have scared the newbie half to death when I started snoring

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  I'm half-British and half-Thai. A random right-winger verbally racially abused me in the street for no reason at all. That same man was in my A&E ward a couple of days later due to a cardiac arrest. I was the doctor who saved him. There's a moral in that story somewhere.

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  Whenever I dish up spaghetti bolognaise, I always give myself a secret layer of cheese on top of the pasta BEFORE the sauce goes on top. Then I put a normal amount on the top so my family think I'm a normal person and not a greedy cunt.

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  Years ago backstage at a festival I approached Sarah Cracknell of St Etienne, with the intent of sharing my love for her. Sadly, having overcommitted to drugs earlier in the day, I was off my face so it came out as a scream. A shrill, long wail. I think of this often.

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  Every time a coworker mentions using an LLM for work, I take the rest of the day off. Why should I do the work if they're not going to?

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  Got a bit concerned that my piss was purple this morning. Called 111 to ask for medical advice. They asked me to go to the bathroom and open the cistern. Turns out my husband added one of those toilet cleaning pucks in there. God bless the NHS and their infinite wisdom.

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  Had a row with my partner earlier, but then they admitted fault and apologised. Disappointed. I was hoping for a reason to break up.

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  I never thought I'd be laughed at for saying I bookmark stuff on my phone for quick reference and use wikipedia daily for looking up stuff that interests me, but today, at work, I was. Imagine life never having gone down a wiki rabbit-hole. How utterly dull.

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  My brother's an economist and it's truly embarrassing to be in a group with him when he introduces himself as a scientist. There are aspects of science in economics but it's pretty weak stuff, almost homeopathic.

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  If there's nobody around to judge me, I turn light switches off with my nose. Saves getting germs on my hands.

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  Visiting my racist aunt in her sheltered housing, met a geezer in the foyer with a load of Reform leaflets. I pretended to be a Reform man and offered to help deliver them, so he gave me almost 200. I threw them all into a skip

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  I'd met a man in a gay club and gone back to his place for some together time. It went well, then his sister brought us tea and toast in bed the next morning. And that's how I met my wife. She still makes an excellent cup of tea.

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  If I get up in the night to pee I'll find it hard to get back to sleep, however if the dog wakes me up to go out, then I'll pee in the garden with her in the night air and I get back to sleep immediately. Regardless of dog I now just garden pee between 2am to 5:30am. Bliss.

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  My new boss is a 29 year old former graduate, absolutely hates his job, doesn't want to be here and is never around. He just leaves me to get on with things. Does exactly what I say and doesn't question anything. I'm 57 and he's hands down the best manager I've ever had

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  I was happy to let go the fact he answered his phone at the table, because it was his mother. Respect for your elders and all that. However, I knew it was definitely time to cut the date short when, in my presence, he said "yes mother, I've washed me knob".

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  The then Prince Charles visited my school in the early 90s. My best mate served him a cup of tea then secretly swiped it when he'd finished. He took it home and used the cup to wank into for a good five years.