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Logan Five Thousand

LoganFive@beige.party

<p>I&#39;m funny on Thursdays between 2pm and 5pm PST.</p><p>Sometimes I pretend I’m Mark Ruffalo.</p><p>Former sketch/improv person. I love <a href="https://beige.party/tags/Taskmaster" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>Taskmaster</span></a>, <a href="https://beige.party/tags/OnePunchMan" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>OnePunchMan</span></a>, and <a href="https://beige.party/tags/Boundless" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<span>Boundless</span></a> (the endurance race show). </p><p>Pro LGBTQIA+, BLM, anything that involves not being an a-hole. </p><p>I often toot late so select the notification bell if you don’t want to miss any of the 2am zingers.</p><p>Pronouns: he/him/his (cis-het, married)</p><p><a href="https://beige.party/tags/humor" class="mention hashtag" rel=

Posts

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    When the universe is only made up of black holes, none of this will matter. Except for that one thing you did. OMG, so embarrassing.

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    Them: I like your fake spiderwebs for Halloween. Me: Yes…fake…for Halloween…of course.

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    Me to my dog: - You don’t need to bark at everything. - Why are you being so loud? - They’re not trying to make you anxious. - Not everyone is your enemy. - Why don’t you try chilling out? Me thinking about it later: - Ah fuck, is this a life lesson?

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    I know this is going to sound crazy, but what I’d most like in a printer is one where, when I tell it to print something, it prints.

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    Why do the people in horror movies always act like they’ve never seen a horror movie?

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    Watching horror movies before bed is probably fine, right?

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    Them: Have you found the Lord Jesus Christ? Me: Did he go missing?!?

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    When Dr. Doom does it it’s just “scrolling.”

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    Them: Have a great day! Me: No YOU have a great day! Them:...no...YOU have a great day. Me: you. have. a. great. day. Them: You better have a great day. Me: Look, I&#39;m telling you, have a great fucking day. Them: I don&#39;t have a great day! YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY! Me: FUCK YOU! YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY! Them: Who the hell do you think you are??? YOU ARE SO GOING TO HAVE A GREAT FUCKING DAY! Me: I will END YOU! FUCKING HAVE A GREAT DAY! Them: I will find you and I will MAKE you have a great day!...

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    Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: Who can explain any of the gaps in our lives, in our hearts? At first they thought space was empty. Now they think it’s filled with dark matter, dark energy. I wonder, which is worse? Better to have nothingness or a darkness you can’t understand or control? Interviewer: I’m just going to put, “Sabbatical.”

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    It’s kind of frustrating when your partner schedules their mental collapse at the same time as yours.

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    They should invent a shower that washes away all your anxiety and depression and leaves you at peace.

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    Charles had already taken 20 minutes to make Rita’s footlong Black Forest Ham sandwich, but he didn’t care. This was what being an artisan was all about. Not only did he create what looked to be an actual black forest out of burnt whole wheat, but he created small pickle people in the forest, contemplating their existence in a world of ash. “I just want to eat,” pleaded Rita. “Oh, you’ll eat,” said Charles. “You’ll feast on disillusionment and ennui.” Charles’ eyes lit up with anticipation. “I...

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    Reading military strategy books to learn how to get my dog to take his pill.

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    One day there will be a religion based on U2 lyrics.

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    At the end of this call you will have the opportunity to take a brief survey about your favorite dinosaur.

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    It’s weird to wait to be taken to the waiting room. I’m on the wrong place for this!

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    I went on a vision quest.* *saw the optomotrist.

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    Misery loves Three’s Company.

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    Remember to be kind, you dickhead.

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    Let’s not stop at Jimothy. Why not Bobastian? Lenjamin Dantiago Calexander Leezekiel Or how about: Lizabella Meleanor Wrenelope Bosephine Isastella

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    I don&#39;t mean to brag, but several people on LinkedIn have been SUPER impressed with my profile and have offered me some AMAZING opportunities to pay them.

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    Philosophical debate: When does a pile of lettuce officially become a salad? 🥗

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    Looking for laughter. What do you have?

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    Feels like happiness is paywalled lately.

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    For those of you with dogs: How do you keep your place from smelling like dog all the time? #Dogsofmastodon #Dogs

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    Hot Yoga was invented by yoga studios that didn’t want to pay for air conditioning.

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    You never hear about the World Plate or the World Silverware.

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    I’m confused. So most people don’t have explosive diarrhea all the time?

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    I’m not a doctor but I play one on the TV, which my wife hates because it usually breaks the TV and we have to buy a new one.