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  Girl, you’re so fine, I’d do anything for you. I would fight a fair-sized agricultural beast-of-burden. Or a combine harvester, assuming I was given a mech suit. A specialised mech suit, of course, with the reinforced feet, because those things will come at you low down. Actually - and I’m not proud of it - I would probably take quite a psychological approach, because combine harvesters have a complex relationship with their own multi-faceted identity, which I would use to my advantage and se...

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  No wombat no cry

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  I have incompetence and I’m not afraid to weaponise it!

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  If people were to ask me what is my favourite place to be in, I would have to say The Club. It is so nice there.

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  Suing my employer for making me too busy to be funny online.

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  I don’t understand. Are they asking for one of us to go and pick her up at the airport?

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  Sorry I called your chickens egg-ass motherfuckers

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  Yeah, get out there, touch grass, talk to strangers about piss and Linux

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  Carefully building up my post history here as evidence for my defence when I eventually commit a crime that involves being really funny.

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  So you make these AI things work by repeatedly giving them prompts? They’re like a floundering improv group?

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  Wacky radiographer requests ‘a silly one’

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  Your four-digit reactivation code will be communicated to you obliquely in a dream

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  Music is such a laughing, crying, head-wrecking kind of time, it’s amazing you can get it legally, really.

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  Think for myself? In this Singularity?

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  Two yucks don’t make a yum. But they do make a yuck yuck, so that’s something.

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  The tea-room crowd freezes in a taut, watchful silence. A waiter darts their eyes toward the louvered doors that promise the relative safety of the kitchen. My gran rests one hand on the counter, the fingers of the other twitching slightly near the bag at her hip. “I said” she states carefully “Put. Your. Purse. Away”

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  “So, the poster says ‘Wanted: Dead or Alive’…” Sheriff: “Mr. Schrödinger, you’ve been warned before! Get the hell out of my office!”

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  I just flew back from a horse kick and boy are my ribs broken

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  Farage and Entourage Face Barrage from Garbage Storage Visage

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  Choosing to interpret “Have a blessed day!” as “I hope you sneeze for hours and hours, you massive shit”

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  “I’ve got a good idea” I said, improbably.

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  Wapoirot twirling his moustache and threatening to imprison you in the little grey cells.

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  I am the withered form in the attic that keeps my profile picture from ageing

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  Now taking pre-boosts for my post launching in November.

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  But my AI glasses come with a handy app that filters out dire portents!

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  So, in the end, the pot never boiled, but my god it was compelling viewing.

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  Keeping the Mastodon Security Team off my back by only ever doing the usual bad posts

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  Sick of jokers exploiting my innocence. If someone’s knocked I want to know who’s fucking there!!

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  My signature style is Recently-released Hostage Chic

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  No, YOU just had to strain your coffee through a sieve because you dropped a Biscoff in it. You clown.