Last SSRI I took gave me serotonin syndrome. Turns out it’s probably my dopamine that’s out of whack and I’m borderline schizophrenic. Also turns out that keeping on a anti psychotic is expensive and I haven’t been medicated for years. I have a place where I want to kill myself and a time. I just can’t really take it anymore. The psychotic breaks the delusions the borderline hallucinations are starting to really get to me. The anxiety so bad I can’t even look at a wall without freaking out. (Thanks dad and step mother for the ptsd) The depression that makes me genuinely depressed about where I live and the fact that there is nothing to do in this part of bumfuck America. Like I am getting better. I know how to handle the delusions and have kept them at bay. Looking at a wall doesn’t freak me out that much anymore and honestly like as long as I keep away from stimulants that will give me seizures now for some reason with things even as little as nicotine or caffeine. Like I don’t know though. The world is a terrible place at the moment and I genuinely don’t have options with the people who I live with trying to starve me to get a job. Like I can’t get a job without an ID and the fact I was born in Germany in 1998 before they did anything mandatory like gosh forbid logging births in the country or giving citizenship to people born there kinda freaks me out a lot. I wish people would support me. But most Americans are sociopaths who believe in individualism or some shit. I know I would be treated like shit being homeless anyway. Why not kill myself early? Is what I constantly think to myself. I know it’s terrible to think about this stuff but like the cognitive dissonance is real and it’s how people die with depression. If I am going to be denied treatment from my own government and country as a whole or go without any sort of compensation for being the way that I am. What the genuine fuck is the point of any of this??? I don’t know sorry for venting here to a meme community and sorry whatever mod is going to delete and see this and feel genuinely terrible for my situation. Also I would hate being dragged into a mental hospital local to my area that kills old people. (Because they also have no good options or support.) There are no good hospitals for inpatient care where I live. Plus it’s expensive and I can’t indebt my mother with that much debt. If she does take charge of me or whatever. That’s the thing though. You call the suicide hotline and they basically give you a list of places to goto and it’s either therapy that costs money that you don’t have or they want to send you to grippy sock jail where you get shoved with tens of thousands of dollars in debt even with insurance as they basically experiment with you. Also yes lemmy users I am fucking American. This place is much worse than you even know. I hope this comment doesn’t get noticed by law enforcement because it wouldn’t be pretty funny to have the police talk to me about this in the morning and search and steal all my stuff.